all or nothing

hey, sometimes i think i’m a totally weirdo. nut case? annoying twat? that’s me!

it’s because sometimes i don’t seem to process life the right way.

here i am nagging this beautiful boy - telling him two years is way too long to wait to get hitched. yet, i constantly get freaked out. i have a total commitment-phobia.. 

sometimes it seems like i don’t quite believe that THIS LIFE is all we have. that this is reality. it seems more like a game sometimes. i forget that other people have feelings/thoughts/other agendas. i forget their human and that i can’t just manipulate or bully them into what i want.

this is all totally unintentional. i just think i need to WAKE UP from this dreamworld i’m in. 

does that even make sense?

so for a while now its been more ‘nothing’ than ‘all’ on this blog. like i promised from the start.

which is weird because so much has been going through my mind.. so many changes. so many beautiful moments and some regrets. 

yet, in the wake of some mistakes, something beautiful can begin. \

and i feel like despite the fact that i have given everything i possibly can to one guy, already, that our journey together can still be beautiful.

and now we’re looking at rings. i actually had a one carat solitaire white gold diamond ring with four claws on my stubby little finger. in front of him. crazytown.

now, seriously: WHY do girls need this stuff?! why do i need this/want this sooo badly? why can’t i be happy with a cheap, eco-friendly sapphire ring? 

the love is  still the same.. 

DID you know that the reason diamond rings came into the picture was due to a crazy amount of campaigning and the fact that women wanted/needed some sort of insurance in case the marriage went south.. because ‘diamonds are forever’. not necessairily love.. isn’t that horrible?

then there’s the other thing.. 
during the long lunch where we talked of travelling, marriage, living abroad.. and when i was trying on rings. something in me clicked. it was  like ‘hey rebecca, you could finally get everything you’ve been dreaming of since you were 13’.

and that scared me. more than the thought of committing to someone forever. more than the fact that in my head something screams: the sooner you  get married - the sooner you start hating each other. (just like my parents… i mean, they never got engage thinking “yeah, we’ll abuse the crap out of each other and get divorced right before our 20 year anniversary… NO. they were in love like this too!! )

it was the thought that i’d better not screw this up. i better be perfect. 

because, honestly, i don’t think i deserve to be happy. i don’t deserve this amazing,beautiful man of god. 

and - more importantly -dreams don’t really ever come true, do they?